13 Villainous Thoughts on WWE's Royal Rumble
Salutations, Henchmen!
We are now officially on the Rhodes to RheaMania! The catchphrases are set! The puns are abound! Now…the waiting game begins. The only real mystery that remains between now and April is whether Rhea will choose Charlotte or Bianca for her opponent at WrestleMania. The Royal Rumble is basically like the the WWE equivalent of Christmas Day when you’re a kid. It is so hyped up that the expectations always overtake the reality. The twists! The turns! The surprises! The legends! The dreams come true! The history in the making! Then it’s over until next year. Even if you got exactly what you wanted, it’s hard not to feel like it wasn’t as good as it could have been. Such is life, eh? I still enjoyed the show! I was thoroughly sports entertained. That’s all I ever ask for. Without further ado, here’s 13 Villainous Thoughts™ on Royal Rumble!
Pat McAfee was one of our (very limited) surprise returns? I almost muted the entire damn show! Longtime readers (and thank you for doing so!) will know that I do not get all the McAfee hype. If I wanted commentary by someone who is only capable of jumping around and screaming out all the catchphrases, I’d watch the show with my six-year old nephew!
Brock Lesnar only lasted three minutes in the Rumble match?!?! That’s like, a million dollars per minute! Get it, cowboy! Damn. Seriously though, I love this era of Brock Lesnar. It seems like he is fully committed to putting on the best show possible, whatever that may mean for himself and his character. It’s like his ego has been replaced with a sense of humor and sense of showmanship. It’s such a delight. I’ve never loved the Beast more than I have this past year.
Perhaps the biggest swerve of the night was when Logan Paul returned and I was actually happy to see him?! He’s like the Miz for the next generation- you love to hate him, yet you can’t help but respect the work he puts in. Logan relished in our boos and got absolutely demolished in the ring for us last night. Perfect.
The Banger Bros dominated a sea of men for the better part of 45 minutes…LOL. Sounds like something you need to be at least 18 years of age to access. I loved it, naturally.
Let us take a moment to lament the end of Kofi’s reign as the King of Royal Rumble Nearfalls. Your name shall live on in Royal Rumble highlight reels forever!
SHOUT OUT TO GUNTHER! Holy hell, the Ring General showed us his mettle last night. The MVP of the men’s Rumble, no doubt.
It was no surprise to anyone that Cody Rhodes won the Rumble. I’m usually the first one to push for swerves and surprises but his win showed that sometimes the obvious answer is the best answer. Cody’s win was meaningful and fulfils one of the deepest storylines of the modern era. When we watch this storyline back in documentaries and highlight reels for years to come, it will absolutely feel like the right decision.
So, uh, I was a little bit busy sexting with a very attractive local lady (who I matched with on a dating app the other day LOL) during the Pitch Black match and things started to get a little hot and heavy (some of you might be aware of my Snapchat prowess, *rawr*) and I don’t know…did I miss anything important?
My mind had time to wander during yet another predictable championship retention for Bianca last night and I landed on a wild idea so stick with me here…
What if the Fiend itself became a permanent roster member- one who could be transferred from superstar to superstar by possessing them and permitting them to live out their darkest desires. It would allow someone like Bianca Belair, who I think might be stagnating a little bit, to do something completely unpredictable by cutting a creepy promo revealing the Fiend has possessed her. What if the fiend, you know, hated losing? So its aura transfers from Alexa Bliss to Bianca after the match, leaving Alexa desperately seeking to regain its power and Bianca on a path to a dark, strange place. The EvilEST path. When she finally manages to get rid of the Fiend it would renew the crowd’s enthusiasm for her as a babyface and leave everyone guessing who the Fiend might try to corrupt next. Maybe her loving husband? Maybe his best friend? STREET FIENDS! Until Otis accidentally takes a sip from the wrong solo cup backstage… dun dun dun. But yeah, it could be a good way to spice up the EST title reign and add little runs of supernatural flair to the roster that isn’t strictly attached to Bray Wyatt or Alexa Bliss. Maybe. Hey, it’s worth trying! And it couldn’t possibly be much worse than the 24/7 championship, right?
As Dana Brooke was looking fine as hell and busting out her gymnastic prowess all over the ring, I had a brief vision of her winning the Rumble and it was glorious. I mean, there’s plenty of footage from five years ago of Charlotte treating her like shit to build off of. It could’ve worked! Anyway, Dana is a hard working member of the roster who is always ready to go, it’s a shame they haven’t even tried to give her a serious match for the title. Surely they could throw it on a filler PPV like Hell in a Cell, TLC or Extreme Rules? I would buy into that! #JusticeforDana!
Other women’s Rumble match thoughts include:
“Doudrop is dead? WHEW!”
“Zelina Vega is ADORABLE”
“The NXT women showed out”
“Chelsea Green LOL”
“Nikki Cross has the most hilarious run I’ve ever seen”
“Oh, Nia Jax is back… no comment”
“Digging the Asuka persona”
“Liv Morgan still has so much heart”
Overall, I really enjoyed it.
#RheaMania! It’s about time, eh? It felt inevitable; she is such a dominant force in the women’s division.
What is there to say about the brilliance of the Bloodline storytelling that hasn’t already been said? I don’t think anyone would be the least bit upset if the next PPV was called “Fight for the Island of Relevancy” and exclusively featured the Bloodline. It’s that engrossing.
Did everything happen last night pretty much exactly as expected? Sure. Did I still enjoy it? Yep! Most Rumble matches end with the expected result. After all, WrestleMania is meant to be the biggest, most profitable event of the year. It’s not that hard to figure out what result would be most marketable. It’s weird that we ever expect anything else, really. I’m just happy that we have the business with the Bloodline to keep us guessing on the road to WrestleMania this year, as I usually find the months leading up to ‘Mania quite stale. For the first time in a long time, I’m leaving the Royal Rumble still wondering what will happen next.
What were your thoughts on the show? Are you happy with the winners? Share your thoughts with me on Twitter/Insta (@vesper_vee)!
Until next time, Henchmen! Stay evil.