Bewbs (Inaugural Edition)

Salutations, Henchmen!

Humpday has arrived and so has your Overlord’s new slate of written brainwashing/programming! I know some of you have been missing your Women Crush Wednesday newsletters while others may be wondering what happened to them?

Well, as I was writing my new year’s newsletter and thanking you all for revelling in my superb selection of crushable women (and questionable thoughts) for the past two years, I realized that, well, I’ve been doing this for two years! That’s longer than Freaks and Geeks lasted (RIP)! That’s longer than my evil sea monkeys survived (RIP x 22)! That’s longer than the brief yet glorious time when CROCS were considered acceptable footwear (RIP kings of comfort and practicality)! So yeah, I figured it was time to switch things up. Don’t worry, you’ll still get your fair share of wrasslin’ talk after every WWE PPV, and plenty of crushable women and lewd pics from yours truly every month. It’s still Bewbs and Bumps, after all! Now, there’s simply going to be much more questionable thoughts to go along with it all! Stay tuned for the new additions; “Big Bump” and “Quick Bumps” and perhaps even the occasional movie review! REJOICE, for evil shall ring out into the dark abyss of the internet more frequently*!

* Mostly over the weekend! I’ve heard this is the best time for light reading…and the best time to privately open material that may be evil, ridiculous and/or lewd in nature. You’re welcome.

Alright now that you’re up to speed on the new shit, let’s get to the main reason most of you are here: BEWBS*. Namely, those of yours truly!

* Now censored to look like a weird combination of both boobs and news, I guess?

As you can see, these new Bewb newsletters will be a bit more straightforward. No more of my fangirl-ish ravings. It simply comes down to science. Less words + more bewbs = happy henchmen. Still, as we move on to greener, bewbier pastures, let us take this opportunity to revisit all our former WCWs for the, erm, fun of it. *wink wink*

• Jane Doe. It is probably worth mentioning that she is NOT a generic woman whose identity is unknown. In fact, she is a sexy redhead that I am very familiar with. Hehe.

• Renee (Young) Paquette. My ultimate Canadian role model.

• Elise Laurenne. My first e-girl crush.

• Zelina Vega. This was before she graduated from business woman extraordinaire to the Queen. Damn, she only gets better with time!

• Karen Gillan. Not at all influenced by the abs and the adorable Irish accent…. not at all.

• Carmella. This was before she graduated from babyface FABULOUS dancer to the Most Beautiful Woman in all of WWE. Another legend that only gets better with time!

• Tricia Helfer. a.k.a. Number Six from Battle Star Gallactica. Yeah, I am nerd, SO WHAT? (Bonus bisexual origin story included!)

• Brandi Rhodes. One of the very few women to make the exclusive list of “women I’d sub for”. Mwahaha.

• Jane Doe. Again. Oops. …am I in love?

• Aubrey Plaza. Game recognizes game.

• The IIconics. A delightful double whammy.

• Milla Jovovic. Early aughts nostalgia at its sexiest.

• Skye Blue. Still very much a top orgasm muse of mine.

• Shotzi Blackheart. This was before she got called up and lost her tank...and sufficient time on tv. Sigh.

• Elisha Cuthbert. Your other favourite Canadian girl next door. ;)

• Sigourney Weaver. IDGAF that she’s in her 70s! Women Crushes don’t get any more elite than this. (Bonus thoughts on horror movies included!)

• Carmella. Again. What can I say? Those UNTOUCHABLE promos really did something to me. Hehe. (Bonus embarrassing karaoke confessions included!)

• Jameela Jamil. Beautiful brain. Beautiful heart. Beautiful person.

• Elle Fanning. Absolutely adorable. (Bonus must-see TV show recommendation included!)

• Rachel Nichols. Early 2010s nostalgia at its sexiest. (Another bonus must-see TV show recommendation included!)

• Alisa Xayalith. Easy on the eyes and the ears. (Bonus tunes included!)

• Charlotte Flair. The QUEEN to whom I’ve now pledged my allegiance both verbally and in writing.

• The IIconics, Chelsea Green and Mickie James. My reaction to the first round of shocking WWE releases of the pandemic era (little did I know there would be many more).

• Maddie Lymburner. My guide and inspiration when it comes to fitness. (Bonus thoughts on Star Wars included!)

• Jennifer Connelly. The BEST woman crush recommendation from a henchman, EVER.

• Adrienne Barbeau. Do not sleep on this one! A look into the interesting life of a 70s sex-symbol.

• Dizzy Flores. The only fictional character to make the woman crush list, thanks to a henchman’s recommendation. (Bonus review of Starship Troopers included! LOL)

• Harley Dean. Another top orgasm muse of mine. Also, the only woman crush to follow me back on social media. *swoons*

• Amouranth. The secondary beneficiary of my Fansly earnings (via referral code). Support us both my joining my Fansly, eh! ;)

• Mandy Rose. A celebration of her winning the NXT women’s championship which she STILL HAS! (Bonus thoughts on Halloween candy included!)

• Alison Brie. The most well-received woman crush based on your feedback. I don’t blame you!

• Leah Fay. She rocks. Literally. (Bonus rockin’ Canadian tunes included!)

Looking back, this is a seriously splendid list. Truly MARVELLOUS in the most genuine sense of the word. Damn, it has been a spicy two years, hasn’t it? I’ll try my best to maintain this elite calibre of women crushes as we enter this new era of programming. As always, feel free send me your recommendations via DM on Insta/Twitter (@vesper_vee), on Fansly or in the comments section below each post.

Until next time, Henchmen! Stay evil.