WWE Royal Rumble Review!
INTRODUCING FIRST… SHE IS THE UNIVERSAL CHAMPION OF EVIL… FROM THE EVIL FOREST OF CANADAAAAAAAA, YOUR OVERLORD…. VESPER VEEEEEEEEEEEE!
So yeah… How does that sound for an introduction, eh? You’re right; it was definitely missing from the Women’s Royal Rumble this year but I guess there’s always… next year. Or maybe the year after that? Mwahahahaha! ;)
It might be a bit against the grain but I loved the Rumble this year! I mean the Rumble matches specifically because the other matches were kind of horrible. No wonder they were all sandwiched in the middle of the card like pieces of pineapple trying to sneak under the cheese on an otherwise delicious slice of ham-topped pizza.* And then there was the Reigns v. Corbin match…they just put that one out for us straight away and hoped we’d forget about it by the time the Women’s Rumble was over. If the PPV was a slice of pizza, that was the salad we knew we had to choke down before we could even touch all the good gooey, cheesy stuff. A well-balanced diet is important after all.
*ALWAYS PUT THE TOPPINGS ON TOP OF THE CHEESE. They’re called TOPPINGS for a reason. This shouldn’t even have to be said. It should just be the golden rule of pizza and anyone who breaks it should have his or her fingers sliced off.
Sheamus v. Shorty G/ Andrade v. Humberto
Sadly, I am unable to comment on any of the matches from the pre-show. Your Overlord was making steamy OnlyFans content for you in the shower and simply lost track of time. PARDON ME. Seriously though, Sheamus and Andrade, please forgive me. Your work as heels is much loved and it deserves my utmost attention. I will set an alarm for the next pre-show, maybe. Honestly, the matches seemed to be fairly straightforward and predictable. I was merely ‘wishful thinking’ (or whatever you simpletons call it) when I predicted the surprise win for Humberto with help from Rey Mysterio (and also because I love it when Andrade gets all fired up for retaliation). And that cost me a perfect 8/8 on my match predictions.
SMH. Whatever, I went 7/8 on my predictions and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. I should start my gambling career or something! Is roulette difficult?
Roman v. Corbin
Ah, the salad match of salad matches. What is there to say, really? It went down exactly as everyone thought it would. Did anyone even care about this match? I’m not sure that the wrestlers who were in this match cared about this match? They didn’t even care enough to make the portable toilet spot remotely believable or fun. Like, would it have killed them to splash Baron Corbin in some blue-tinged water after being tossed around in a (supposedly) nasty toilet stall? I feel like someone could’ve made a quick trip to the store for some food colouring to keep the suspension of disbelief alive for more than a half-second. But, as is typical for a Roman Reigns match, the only thing that mattered in the execution was making sure that he got his OOO-AAHH spear and superman-punch finisher combo in before the pin like we all would’ve died if we didn’t see it for the millionth time. I’m still not really sure why it was a falls-count anywhere match because that usually implies high-flying spots around the arena and backstage that we wouldn’t otherwise be able to see if the match were limited to the ring. All we really got on that front was an Uso Bros. suicide dive off the rails that could’ve just as easily been off the ring post. Overall, a disappointing match that went exactly as expected. JUST LIKE MOST SALADS.
Women’s Royal Rumble
WOOOOOOOO!
After an unbelievable Reigns match, it was a relief to see a believable winner in the Queen. The moment the first-ever Women’s Rumble was announced, everybody knew Charlotte could and (eventually) would win it. Was this a good time for that? The win will obviously add to her legacy but I doubt it will add much to an exciting WrestleMania card. I know most people thought Shayna Baszler would win and having her come out, well-rested in the No. 30 slot was the perfect juke on our hopes and dreams for the former NXT Women’s Champion. I mean it might even be an embarrassing loss for Shayna in that sense. Better luck next year!
I did think we would have more returning legends (shout out to Kelly Kelly for holding her own! And Molly Holly for becoming Mighty) but I’m ultimately glad those spots went to up and coming NXT superstars who deserved to have a moment to shine in the spotlight. And boy, did they shine. Bianca Belair and Shayna blew the others out of the water as they each walked out with eight eliminations before finding the floor themselves. Speaking of shine though, it’s sad to hear that an injury prevented Io Shirai from coming out. I’m sure she would’ve had a great spot or two, not to mention a huge pop.
EVIL RUMBLE MVP’s:
Beth Phoenix’s hair for soaking up all that blood so efficiently!
Naomi’s new 70’s icon vibes! Is there a heel turn on the way?
Bianca Belair. Duh. She killed it and proved herself as a badass competitor against the main roster.
Lana. Ravishing and obviously the best WW star. LMFAO.
AND LAST BUT CERTAINLY NOT LEAST… whoever took the time to painstakingly make all of those sequinned outfits! That’s a feat of athleticism in itself!
Bayley v. Lacey Evans
Boring and with an anti-climactic finish! But what else do you expect from the superstar that was given the Grand Slam just to try to convince us she’s any good? Oh, you forgot she’s an official WWE Grandslam’er? Don’t sweat it though because, like her match, everything she does is barely noticeable so I wouldn’t expect you to remember. Even when Bayley attempts a ratty cheat pin it’s barely noticeable. The only noticeable thing from that match was Lacey Evans proving yet again that she should be holding the title and, apparently, the lack of time on the big clock for the match to continue.
The Fiend v. Daniel Bryan
This was the kinkiest thing I’ve seen in the WWE since Mark Henry and Mae Young got it on. It’s no wonder they couldn’t do it with the red lights on…if they did it might have been confused with a deleted scene from the Kink Dungeon (hopefully you know what that is before you click the link. LOL). But without the red lights, the Fiend just looks like a chubby dude in a mask. I don’t know whether the lights make it more or less awkward. I guess it depends on how you feel about BDSM. Anyway, the match left me with a more burning question: why does Daniel Bryan feel the need to be blistered red and covered in welts in order for a match to be memorable (remember his chest after the Greatest Royal Rumble)? You don’t have to sacrifice your skin for the sins of the booking gods or the fans, Bryan. We already know you’re a martyr for the crowd pop! I will admit that I had a small glimmer of hope that DB would end this Fiend-is-invincible madness. It looks like the only thing that can stop him now is a string of OOO-AAHH spears and superman-punches! Can’t wait!!…Is my eye-roll tangible enough?
Becky Lynch v. Asuka
This match had its highs…and its lows. The high spots including Asuka getting the green mist (literally) kicked out of her. That had to be timed perfectly and they pulled it off well. Not sure if avoiding the predictable spot of Kairi Sane forcing a DQ counts as a high but this is my scorecard and I say it was.
Men’s Royal Rumble
EDGE IS BACK!!!!* A STAR IS BORN IN DREW MCINTYRE!!!*
*That’s all I’m limiting myself to say on the matter. We all know it’s emotional and incredible. Just go to Twitter for that cathartic commentary. I don’t have enough room or time for all of that jazz. BUT, let’s get a quick shout out to the WWE production team as I’m sure it is very difficult to find the perfect spot in time to cut away from a legend’s exciting in-ring return at the correct time in favour of a generic crowd shot but they managed to do it with absolute style.
** This is no surprise to your Overlord. Drew has been my guy since his NXT return. I even loved him through his awkward heel stage with Dolph Ziggler. All you had to do was tune in to one of my CB shows over the last two years and ask me about my favourite wrestlers to know that. Also, please continue to do that when I make my CB return. I love to talk pro-wrestling live with my Henchmen. Maybe not during ‘sexy time’ but definitely when I am bored waiting for sexy time.
This was almost like two Rumbles in one: During Brock and After Brock. It teased us. It delighted us. It left us feeling great, even after the mediocre match card that came before it. And I thoroughly enjoyed this Men’s Rumble. I haven’t reacted to a match the way I did to this one in a while. I literally had my hands on my head (in disgust, obviously) at the end thinking Roman was going to take it AGAIN. Right near the end I actually yelled “OH MY GOD WHY DIDN’T DREW JUST TAKE THAT OPPORTUNITY TO CLAYMORE HIM OFF OF THE EDGE?!” Talk about a rollercoaster of emotion! The ending has me thinking that they might finally be starting to understand how to use Roman Reigns properly. By that I mean using him to pull a convincing bait and switch. You know, set the crowd up for a huge boo-fest by making us think he’s going to win which ultimately makes the pop even bigger when he doesn’t. Didn’t it feel so meaningful when he went over the ropes?
And I’ll say it- the Brock stuff at the start was epic. I predicted this would happen in Part One of my Pro-Wrestling Primer but it was way more entertaining than I thought it would be. I enjoyed the suspense of thinking he would just keep eliminating everyone one-by-one and I never thought I’d say this but kudos to the Beast for making it believable and selling his elimination so hard as well. He made me laugh. He made me think he was going to collapse under the weight of his own sweat. He really made me think that the videogame Rumble offense I always try to pull off when I play WWE2K might actually work out for him. Best of all though, he somehow managed to put people over while still mercilessly throwing them over the ropes. He especially did justice to Keith Lee, Big E (he let Big E hoist him up for a Big Ending!), Ricochet, and obviously Drew McIntyre as well. I know I keep saying it but this proves they should just trust him by now to be the entertainer he wants to be instead of pigeonholing him into this UFC fighter junk! He is tired of his current say-nothing-and-destroy-people-with-no-emotion crap gimmick. I’m telling you- they shouldn’t have stifled his Money In The Bank boom boxing! The Beast wants to have fun!
There were only two things I could think of that would have made it better. First, Kofi should have been able to have his annual spot of avoiding elimination with a feat of agility. Second, it would have been hilarious if Brock just let Shelton Benjamin sit in the corner and watch him eliminate entrant after entrant before turning on him. LOL. Maybe even get him a little stool to observe from?
EVIL RUMBLE MVP’s:
Every Superstar who went over the ropes to further the reputation of the Beast Incarnate.
MVP. (duh?)
Elias for his hit Rumble song, “Sacrificial Lamb”
Ricochet for the Low-Blow that screwed Brock Lesnar over.
