The Big Bump

On Overly Indulgent Easter Treats

Salutations, Henchmen!

Happy long weekend! That’s non-denominational enough for us, yeah? No matter what you’re celebrating, the big box stores have made one thing certain: we will all be munching on some sweet egg-shaped treats this weekend. Which brings me to my pressing dilemma. I must decide on my Overly Indulgent Easter Treat™ (OIET) for 2022! I’m not entirely sure why we pretend that bunnies have any connection to eggs but fuck biology! All I know is that Easter allows me to consume far more specialized chocolate than any other holiday. And in convenient egg shapes and cute bunny shapes to boot! With so many varied (and cute) offerings, I must limit myself to one OIET per year. Otherwise, the novelty kind of wears off.*

*Trust me, I am speaking from experience here. When I was 10 years old, my mom thought it would be a genius idea to buy a shit ton of Peeps (her favourite OIET) and freeze them, so we could “enjoy them all year long”. Long story short, having to eat large amounts of Peeps in October just to free up some freezer space for Thanksgiving leftovers makes them feel…less special.

In years past, my OIET has taken on many forms. Sometimes, the choice is easy. The year the Creme Egg McFlurry debuted, it was a slam dunk. As was the Reese’s Peanut Butter Egg and the Oreo Egg.

Sometimes, I go with nostalgic choices, like those marshallow candy eggs, gummy bunnies or a Kinder Surprise Maxi (yeah, we still sell those in Canada, ha!).

Sometimes, it’s all about opportunity. If I see a particularly appealing chocolate bunny (looking at you, Mr. Muchy!) or a high-quality bag of fancy foil chocolate eggs (Lindt Lindt Lindt!) that pique my sweet tooth then and there- then I’ll just go for it.

I’ve even gone the homemade route once or twice and made Mini Egg birds nests.

10/10 would recommend, btw. Hit me up for that recipe. Hehe.

So anyway, this year the choice is between two former OIET favourites. One might even say it boils down to quantity over quality. The first option is one that I’m faced with every time I enter the grocery store. Those bastards put a tantalizing bin full of JUMBO bags of Cadbury Mini Eggs right at the front door! I’m talking BIG. 943 GRAMS! That’s enough of those crunchy shelled delights to last me like, a week (or two movies hehe)! It’s the biggest bag I’ve yet to see but I’m not sure why they stopped 57 grams short of a whole kilogram.

What could possibly compare? Well, my second choice might just sway you; the JUMBO Secord Creme Egg. Laura Secord is a Canadian chocolatier so I’m guessing some of you may be unfamiliar with this rare Easter treasure. Imagine a creme egg that’s the size of a goddamn softball. Now, imagine that giant creme egg is as gourmet as it can get. I’m talking high-quality dark chocolate for the shell and a creamy, buttery center that’s so rich it makes your throat tingle. It’s both large enough and rich enough that you can keep it firm in your fridge and eat it by the slice over several days…and a slice is all you’ll need, trust me.

As you can see, this is a real Sophie’s choice. A true chocolate conundrum. WHAT DO I DO, HENCHMEN? Do I just secure the biggest bag of Mini Eggs I’ve ever been able to get in person, even though they are *technically* available in smaller bags all year around? Or, do I go with decadence? Help. Me. DMs are open. While you’re at it, tell me your favourite OIET. Is there something I’ve been missing? Do you have a secret recipe? Let’s get sweet!

Speaking of overly indulgent easter treats, something must be said for all the scantily clad bunny outfits were about to be treated to! Easter might just be my favourite holiday purely for the lewd photoshoots. Hehe. All the pastel colours! All the cute cottontails! I mean, there’s a reason Playboy has been on that bunny imagery for over 50 years, am I right? ;) With that said, make sure you’re following my Instagram (@vesper_vee) to catch some glimpses of Vesper bunnies past, like this one.

But more importantly, subscribe to my Fansly for my naughtiest twist yet on the lewd bunny photoshoot…“The Rope Bunny”. Mwahaha. It’ll drop just in time to make you wonder if the Easter Bunny is real!

Until next time, Henchmen! Stay evil (and enjoy your sugar comas)!