Salutations, Henchmen!
Our current era of endless streaming possibilities can turn the simple task of choosing a movie to watch into an overwhelming never-ending nightmare. There’s a reason why all the Blockbusters (RIP) weren’t the size of football stadiums! There actually is such a thing as too much choice, especially when all you want to do is kick back and relax. Fortunately for you, my dearest Henchmen, your Overlord is here to make your weekend popcorn flick decisions for you! Seriously, what kind of a dictator would I be if I didn’t deliver you from the burdens of freedom and choice?! That’s like Overlording 101. Anyway, I figured I’d start with an early aughts “classic” titled Swimfan. Aside from being the epitome of the teenybopper erotic thriller genre, it is a film most remembered for the urban dictionary worthy insult that it spawned:
If you don’t remember or haven’t seen the origin of this “sick”burn”, I would recommend watching the movie before you read on. Swimfan is available to stream on Prime Video. I would also recommend the following snack to pair with your viewing:
Goldfish Flavour Blasted: Xtra Cheddar. Appropriately fish-shaped to match the title and appropriately cheesy to match the plot, dialogue, characters and pretty much everything else about this movie. ENJOY!
Now that you’re all up to speed, allow me to present the first edition of Vesper’s Delightfully Unconventional Review of Movies™!
First things first, the soundtrack must be addressed. Soundtracks are basically the main characters in movies like these. They set the tone and can make or break a movie’s “hipness” factor. The Swimfan soundtrack comes in hot and fast with the early aughts nostalgia (as our boy Ben gets it on in his car) and from there it NEVER LETS UP. Overall, it’s a little cutesy and acoustic for my taste, although I can’t really knock any soundtrack that features Saliva even if I absolutely should. If this were still 2002, I would probably buy it from Sam the Record Man if I saw it in a sale bin. Now that it’s 2022, well, maybe I’ll give the playlist a whirl on Spotify if I end up watching too many dumb TikTok hacks and start longing for a time before the internet took over our lives?
Anyway, I’ve got to say that Swimfan’s plot line might just be as outdated as it’s soundtrack. The whole tempting seductress who ends up being a psycho stalker bitch idea should have been left in the 90’s. No one will ever do it better than Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. NO ONE. Besides, the notion that a woman who embraces her sexuality and aggressively peruses what she wants must be inherently evil is pretty basic and lame, if you ask me. If Madison were a dude she’d just be Zack Morris with a slight proclivity for murder. So yeah, I was actually rooting for Madison the whole movie. She knows what she wants and she goes after it. Are her methods a tad conniving and violent? Sure. Could she have just played it cool and kept sleeping with Ben on the DL until he realized that she was way more fun than his boring girlfriend? Probably. But where’s the fun in that? ;)
I know everyone is supposed to be rooting for Ben in this movie but I just can’t get behind this guy. They expect us to feel bad that his life is unravelling because of his own actions? LOL NOPE. He’s the one who cheated on his loving and supportive girlfriend. He’s the one who thought it would be okay to tell a girl he barely knew that he loved her while they were fucking. Come on, that’s not only a huge anti-boner but also a huge red flag! His choices are pretty confounding. I would be inclined to forgive him for these mistakes, considering he’s a teenaged dude and therefore ruled by one head more than the other. But if that’s what he was, then why not keep going with the exciting, naughty, sexy, blonde cellist*? Why go back to the boring relationship with the boring girl?? WHY, BEN, WHY??
The choice looks pretty obvious to me. This whole movie could have been a fun sex comedy romp if Ben wasn’t so damn soft! Sigh.
*Okay, what’s with cello players? Has anyone else ever noticed that cello players in movies are usually horny chicks that are DTF? Is “horny girl who plays the cello” a low-key trope? Let me remind you of a few cellists who had sex scenes almost immediately after they played the cello on-screen: Bond Girl Kara Milovy in The Living Daylights (one of my favourite Bond films BTW) gets it on with Bond (and uses her cello case as a makeshift sled, badass!),Jane in Witches of Eastwick gets so hot and bothered playing her cello that it literally starts smoking, and Lyla in August Rush has a one night stand after her cello performance in the orchestra. Hmmm.
Suffice it to say that this movie didn’t exactly re-invent the wheel. It was as predictable as it was unrealistic. It’s pretty much exactly what you’d expect from an early-aughts teen blockbuster that has a rating of 15% on Rotten Tomatoes (LMAO). Ding-dong the witch is dead and everything goes back to normal is a disappointing ending to a supposed “psychological thriller”. Honestly, the biggest fright I got from this thriller was watching them get it on in that dirty-ass high school pool. EWWWW! I couldn’t stop staring at that spec of dirt on the wall beside them.
So distracting!
I still thought this movie was a fun, quick watch that was worth revisiting purely for the nostalgia (High school computer rooms! Waiting for nudes to download! NuMetal!). Oh and for Erika Christensen too, I suppose.
In the end, I’ll give this one a solid 8 out of 66 on the Official Scale of Evilness. There was a general lack of both sexiness and thrilly-ness which ultimately made a movie with big potential into a mediocre high school romp with a whiny, unlikeable lead character. Time for a reboot!!! MWHAHA!
So tell me, Henchmen, how did you enjoy your weekend popcorn flick!? Did it feel good to relinquish your freedom of choice to your one true Overlord? ;) Would you like to see more of these movie reviews? Do you have a specific movie you’d like to see me review? My DM’s are open to your thoughts, comments and suggestions!
Until next time, Henchmen! Stay evil.
SHout out to Blockbuster. Thanks for letting me play Mario Kart 64 while I waited for the bus after school. And yes, soft dudes ruin fantasies. Also, if you havent tried bumping uglies in a High School pool, you just might not be as freaky as you think are.....sshhshhhhhshhshhhhhh...... Your real Tribal Chief has spoken. And on that note, if he were a real chief, he'd know the real word for chief and it's not "chief", it is Matai (Ma-Kaiy). Your Matai has spoken.