The Big Bump: Daddy Edition
A Definitive Daddy Ranking of the Marvel Cinematic Universe
Salutations, Henchmen!
Today, we celebrate Fathers. For better or worse, we’ve all got one. After all, it takes two to tango, right? Whether we like it or not, our fathers (or lack thereof) play a large role in shaping our lives. So, naturally, when it comes to storytelling there are few things juicier than a father-child relationship. Daddy issues sell, baby! Just ask George Lucas. Indiana Jones was never more human than when his Daddy showed up in the Last Crusade.
So yeah, you get my point. Fathers (and mothers) are a natural part of storytelling. As such, there are plenty of them in one of the largest storytelling endeavours of our time: the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The MCU has a sneaky number of Dads and I am here to rank them in honour of Father’s Day! Why? Maybe it’s because I’m well-versed in Daddy issues? Maybe it’s because I have a thing for DILFS? Maybe it’s because I enjoy ranking random things? Maybe it’s all of the above? ;)
Obviously, a ranking of such consequence must be taken seriously. You didn’t think I would be lackadaisical when it comes to some of the most prominent Daddies in pop culture today, did you?! Of course not. I have devised criteria that I believe will allow me to fully assess the most important aspects of a given MCU Dad. Each Dad will be graded on their memorable moments, impact on the overall story and most importantly, their DILF factor (duh). It should also be noted that only Dads who made a physical appearance (in flashbacks or otherwise) in an official MCU movie or TV show have been included. Dads who were merely mentioned verbally or alluded to have not been included. Further to that, only the Dads I remember have been included in this list.*
*Can you blame me? There’s like a million hours worth of MCU content at this point! If I can’t remember one of the Dads then they obviously weren’t cool enough to make the rankings anyway.
Now that the basic standards and guidelines have been outlined, allow me to present you with Vesper’s Definitive Ranking of the Dads of the MCU ™:
15. Phastos (Father of some human kid)
DILF Factor: Is he the first openly gay superhero in he MCU?
N/A
Memorable Moments: I’m pretty sure I fell asleep during the Eternals….so, uh, none.
F
Impact on Story: He makes stuff right? He makes the stuff for the people in the story. Yeah. That’s useful.
F
Overall Score: F
I’m not even sure why I included this guy in the rankings. Oh well, someone must take last place!
14. Ego (Father of Starlord)
DILF Factor: Kurt Russell brings massive DILF energy to any role. That still shines through despite the weird character he plays in the MCU. Bonus points for an excellent salt & pepper beard game.
A
Memorable Moments: Admitting to giving Starlord’s Mom brain cancer (yikes), getting blown up after his half-baked plan to take over the universe with his own “seedlings” was foiled (double yikes).
F
Impact on Story: Being the main villain of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol.2, an unnecessary sequel that was mostly irrelevant to the broader story of the MCU, doesn’t really do him any favours. He does get bonus points for introducing us to Mantis, who is kind of cool?
D+
Overall Score: D
Ego was a total narcissist who only cared about his offspring as a means to an end for his horribly thought-out plot for universal dominance. LOL. My own plot for universal dominance is far superior to his bullshit.
13. T’chaka (Father of T’challa)
DILF Factor: His status as king is actually a large factor here. You all know how much I love power. Mwahaha. He also has a nice stocky dad bod going for him.
B
Memorable Moments: Um, dying at the beginning of Civil War? Killing his brother and leaving his nephew behind? His memorable moments were not particularly good.
D+
Impact on Story: His death entangles the Black Panther with the Avengers so there’s that.
C-
Overall Score: C-
T’chaka abandoned his nephew after killing his father and then covered it up. Should one man’s place in Vesper’s Definitive Ranking of the Dads of the MCU ™ be forever damaged due to a singular fucked up action he made in the past? Well, I guess that depends on your world view. I’m going to say yes here because we don’t get to see enough of T’chaka to know if his good deeds outweigh his very bad deed.
12. Hank Pym (Father of Hope Van Dyne)
DILF Factor: Hank Pym seems like he used to get some serious strange back in the day but has since become tired and lazy. I guess it’s easy to let yourself go when your wife has been stuck in the quantum realm for like thirty years.
C-
Memorable Moments: None that I can think of? I mostly remember this guy moping around and getting angry about shit?
D
Impact on Story: His Pym Particles led to the creation of Ant-Man and Wasp suits and the discovery of the quantum realm. It is yet to be seen how much of a role the quantum realm will play in the next phase of the MCU but Ant-Man and the Wasp are important (and fun) members of the team already.
B
Overall Score: C-
Hank Pym has a horrible relationship with his daughter because he’s too busy agonizing over the loss of his wife. If this were a ranking of the husbands of the MCU he would rank a lot higher but alas.
11. Vision (Father of two make believe kids)
DILF Factor: If we were only counting the parts of WandaVision where Vision was just Paul Bettany in suits and glasses without all the red paint, well, that would probably break the DILF Factor scale. I will forever curse the MCU for covering such a heartthrob as Paul Bettany in red paint. Grrrr. At least all the red makes those gorgeous baby blue eyes of his pop?
D
Memorable Moments: Rocking 50’s style suits and glasses, rocking 60’s style suits and glasses, rocking 70’s style suits and glasses…you get the point ;)
Oh, uh, all the stuff he did in the Infinity Saga too, I guess.
C+
Impact on Story: Vision was arguably the most powerful member of the Avengers and could’ve been the most important member of the team. Too bad he was mostly reduced to being Wanda’s keeper.
B
Overall Score: C
I’m not even sure that Vision counts as a real Dad, considering his kids were technically just figments of Wanda’s imagination and he was technically dead during their brief existence? Even still, Vision was confined to the role of television dads from the 70s, 80s and 90s during his brief time as a father which means he basically just went to work and let Wanda raise the kids. Womp womp.
10. Alexei Shostakov (Father of Natasha Romanoff and Yelena Belova)
DILF Factor: This guy probably has the most realistic dad bod in the MCU…but unfortunately not in a good way.
D+
Memorable Moments: Being way too proud of his status as “the Soviet Union’s first and only supersoldier”, and making eyes at his former undercover “wife”, Melina Vostokoff (can you really blame him though? Rachel Weiss is an absolute MILF).
C
Impact on Story: Alexei is relatively useless compared to his daughters but provides some good laughs.
C+
Overall Score: C
The Red Guardian is definitely the weirdest father figure in the MCU. He’s only really a father to Natasha and Yelena because it was forced upon him as a part of his undercover alias. He ends up resenting his “daughters” for preventing him from having an exciting life as a supersoldier. But honestly, that sentiment probably makes him closer to the average suburban dad than any other dad in the MCU.
9. Yondu (Adoptive Father of Starlord)
DILF Factor: The blueness doesn’t bode well for him but mostly, mohawks have never and will never do it for me. Sorry.
F
Memorable moments: Anytime he used his magical whistle arrow thingy. Now that is a fucking badass weapon! I would like one to add to my collection, please.
A
Impact on Story: Yondu provided some grit, some heart and most importantly, a gang of space ravagers to the MCU cannon (very cool if you ask me).
B+
Overall Score: C+
Yondu is a sneakily good Daddy of the MCU. He started out as a villain but his love for Starlord is slowly revealed over time. He even ends up sacrificing himself to save his son. It’s also worth noting that Yondu could have just sold Starlord instead of treating him as an adopted son. I definitely would have if I were a goddamn space ravager (again, so cool. Can we get a space ravager spin-off movie or something?) So yeah, I suppose that speaks volumes about his quality as a father.
8. Rocket (Adoptive Father of Groot)
DILF Factor: He’s a raccoon (not a rabbit!). Come on, I’m not a (total) freak!
N/A
Memorable Moments: Pretty much any time he speaks. Rocket Raccoon is nothing if not a source of quippy one-liners and wry humour.
A
Impact on Story: Honestly, Rocket probably doesn’t need to exist in these movies. But I am glad he does.
C
Overall Score: B-
I’m including Rocket in this list because he’s basically Groot’s Daddy, right? He’s the only one who really understands Groot. It’s sweet.
7. Drax (Father of unseen alien kids)
DILF Factor: On the one hand, he’s built like a pro-wrestler (quite literally). On the other hand, he’s all grey and scarred up. Somehow, it actually works for me? Scars are kind of hot? Hehe.
A-
Memorable Moments: Taking every metaphor and turn of phrase literally.
A+
Impact on Story: Like Rocket (and most of the Guardians of the Galaxy), Drax doesn’t really need to exist. But we’re sure glad he does.
C
Overall Score: B+
Although Drax’s children are never actually seen, there is no doubt that Drax is a father. He never shuts up about his dead family! His dedication to avenging their deaths makes him one of the better dads of the MCU. He’s bloodthirsty and vengeful. Just perfect!
6. Scott Lang (Father of Cassandra Lang)
DILF Factor: Let’s just say I can actually see many uses for a man who can become the size of a vibrator…
A
Memorable Moments: Getting really small, getting really big, riding ants.
A-
Impact on Story: Ant-Man proves that tiny can still be mighty.
B+
Overall Score: A-
Scott Lang refuses to be an absent father. There are plenty of obstacles that keep him from being there for Cassie; time in jail, a custody agreement, being blipped yet somehow he always finds a way back to her. He seems to be most driven by the desire to be a responsible father above all else.
5. Howard Stark (Father of Tony Stark)
DILF Factor: Howard Stark is shown at various stages of his life throughout the MCU movies. No matter what age we see him, he is always rocking an impeccable moustache and suit. He manages to take the “dork dad” vibe and infuse it with sex appeal…that is no small feat.
A
Memorable Moments: Being the George McFly in that Back to the Future – esque scene in Endgame. You know, the one where he inadvertently has a conversation with his time-travelling son.
A-
Impact on Story: Mr. Stark had a hand in creating Captain America’s shield, Iron Man’s heart and even co-founded S.H.I.E.L.D. His fingerprints are on everything!
A+
Overall Score: A
Honestly, Howard Stark is more of an earth-saving genius than a family man. But he seems to be a source of inspiration for Tony Stark, as evidenced by (a few too many) cheesy flashbacks and interactions. Tony Stark loves his Daddy…and so do I. Hehe.
4. Odin (Father of Thor, Hela & Loki)
DILF Factor: Having style is 50% of attractiveness and THIS MAN HAS STYLE. He can pull off a cape, a scepter and a freakin’ eye patch. The man knows how to accessorize. Beard game is also on point.
A
Memorable Moments: Giving Thor his hammer, banishing Thor from Asgard, sitting majestically upon his throne, looking over his kingdom majestically from his balcony.
A
Impact on Story: Odin fathered one of the Avengers’ mightiest heroes, one of the most beloved anti-heroes of the MCU AND the MCU’s most badass villainess. He did certainly his part by not playing favourites.
A-
Overall Score: A
While Odin sometimes showed his sons some tough love, he always had their best interests at heart. He tried his best to make his sons the best possible versions of themselves and tried to model that by being the best possible version of himself, too. Awwwww.
3. Thanos (Father of Gamora & Nebula)
DILF Factor: Large stature, broad shoulders and a strong chin all significantly raise his score. The soothing voice provided by Josh Brolin also doesn’t hurt. Hehe. If only he weren’t purple…
B+
Memorable Moments: Snapping half of the universe from existence (badass!), having a literal cult following (also badass!), sacrificing Gamora (worth it, imo), torturing Nebula (she deserved it!), killing Loki (look, there can only be one beloved “villain”).
A++
Impact on story: There would be no Infinity War without the Mad Titan. He IS the story.
A++
Overall Score: A
Thanos is a relatable father. Like most Dads, he has a personal philosophy that he tries to impart on his daughters. He is only trying to teach them lessons about mercy and responsible resource management by eliminating half of the universe! Is that really so bad? How can we blame him for wanting to ensure a secure, less-populated utopia for his daughters?? Sure, he may have ultimately sacrificed Gamora in pursuit of this goal but one could argue that it was worth it because it models the admirable quality of conviction- something his surviving daughter might do well to learn. On the other hand, he falls into some classic father pitfalls like having a favourite child and pitting his daughters against each other in the name of fostering a healthy competitive spirit. It happens. No Dad is perfect.
2. Clint Barton (Father of two kids)
DILF Factor: Let’s be real, Hawkeye has some big dick energy. I mean, you’ve got to have swagger if you’re going to just walk into the Avengers with nothing but a bow and arrow. Hawkeye is packing more than just a variety of trick arrows and I KNOW IT.
A++
Memorable Moments: Shooting shit, blowing shit up, retrieving the soul stone, and most importantly, making it home in time for family Christmas (mad extra dad points for that).
A+
Impact on Story: I used to think Hawkeye had no business being in the Avengers. He seems more like a street-level hero than a space-level hero but alas, he’s proved his worth time and time again.
A
Overall Score: A+
Clint Barton is a family man through and through. He cares about the little things, like making it home in time for Christmas. He prioritizes his responsibilities as a father above all else and even tries retiring several times just to be there for his kids. It’s almost a shame that Clint Barton is such a good dad because his time as Ronin proves he’s willing to be a badass vigilante without them. Sigh, such wasted big dick energy! Anyway, Clint also has one more thing going for him in these Dad rankings; his prowess with a bow and arrow. If the world descends into chaos and people have to start living off the land and fending for themselves, Clint is going to be able to provide protein for his family. That is definitely worth something, too.
1. Xu Wenwu (Father of Shang-Chi)
DILF Factor: Shang-Chi’s dad is sexy as hell! There’s a lot of evidence to suggest he’s a freak in the sheets. He’s fit as a whistle so you know he’s got the stamina you want. He’s also got a certain sternness to him so you know he likes it rough. He’s known as “the Most Dangerous Man on Earth”. That’s some massive DILF energy.
A++
Memorable Moments: Adopting a child with one hand after being impressed by his juggling abilities, raising him to become a trained killer and calling him Razor Fist. RAZOR FIST. One day I aspire to train and name my own children just as well.
A+
Impact on Story: Xu Wenwu is the who, what and why of Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. He carries weight of the plot and the exposition. If you ask me, the movie should have been named Xu Wenwu and his Ten Rings.
A+
Overall Score: A+
Does Xu Wenwu do some questionable things throughout the film? Sure. But really, you could argue that everything he did, he did for the sake of his family! All he knows is that his wife needs him to reunite the family so that they can free her from imprisonment. So what if he uses trained killers to retrieve his kids? He knew they’d survive! He trained them properly! So what if he imprisons his kids when they don’t want to go along with his plan? Those kids needed to be reminded of a little thing called respect! Anyway, Mr. Wenwu can rest easy because in my rankings, his high DILF score outweighs his other shortcomings as a father. Take your rightful place as the coveted top spot in my Daddy rankings, king!!
So there you have it! The irrefutable, absolutely correct, definitive ranking of the Dads in the MCU. Unsurprisingly, my guy Thanos and Mr. Wenwu are in the top three. What can I say? I prefer my Daddies to be baddies! Mwahaha. It’s a matter of personal (evil) preference. Honestly though, I would take any of the top 6 as my daddy…preferably all at once. Hehe. Have I thought about the dads of the MCU in very inappropriate ways a little too much? Who cares, the MCU is in dire need of some sexualization! Look, I’ve got to keep my mind preoccupied with something during all of those mind-numbing CGI battles! Mostly, I just hope you’ll never be able to watch a Marvel movie in the same way ever again thanks to me. Mwahaha.
Got any ideas for what I should rank next? My DMs are very much open to any suggestions you might have. I’ve already done donuts and daddies but I’m ready to mercilessly judge more stuff for the sake of creating hierarchies.
Anyway, Happy Father’s Day to all the daddies out there!
Until next time, Henchmen! Stay evil.