The End of Days (for 2019)!
Greetings Henchmen,
It’s that magical time of the year again, the end! How would you summarize 2019 in one word? I’m going to go with… crackpot? Baffling? Arcane? Arcane. Sounds ominous enough for me. New Year’s Eve has never really been Your Overlord’s favourite occasion. It’s like a birthday; a forced celebration that exists only to remind us that time is indeed ticking on regardless of our own sense of time.
Woohoo!
I guess this year is supposedly special because we’re entering a new decade? I was in high school the last time that happened, and boy, I have no desire to celebrate the same way I celebrated that year! Picture this: the parents are gone, and a fifteen-year-old Vesper is hosting four of her friends for a sleepover. Now, before you get too excited- let me remind you that Your Overlord was an ABSOLUTE dork in high school. I’m talking MAD dork levels. VERY DORKY. So, what do dorks do when we celebrate the start of a new decade? Well, my wild ride of a night included watching 500 Days of Summer on an air mattress that was slowly deflating itself in the basement, sipping on…Shirley Temples. Yep. We actually went out and bought grenadine to make ourselves some good old fashioned VIRGIN DRINKS for the evening. There may have been a completely sober dance party to Lady Gaga in our PJ’s too. Maybe. Don’t’ judge… we all know that was a terrible era for pop music. I mean, check out the top 100 list for 2009*. Boom Boom Pow? Eesh. Single Ladies? Cringe. WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BLACK EYED PEAS SONGS?! WHY DOES EVERY SONG FEATURE LIL WAYNE?! When was the last time we even had a good era for pop music? The mid-nineties? The late-eighties? Never? If we are being honest then pop music kind of sucks. I’m so glad to be a pretentious indie-music snob with exquisite taste in the best music most of you have never even heard of (yet). Whew!
*Do not read this list if you are standing up, btw. The horrible music flashbacks may be too much to handle.
Honestly, my favourite New Year’s Eves were actually the last two. You know, the ones I spent with my Henchmen online cranking out orgasms until I was flushed red! And of course making tokens instead of spending money on drinks and cover fees was a great fucking bonus. And before I met you guys, Your Overlord’s NYEs in University were mostly spent with a pushy (and obviously slightly less attractive) former roommate who thought that we needed to party like they did in The Hangover or our social lives WOULD END. Like some sort of weird Cinderella story where we’d turn back into the ugly duckling dorks we used to be in high school at midnight if we weren’t plastered at a club grinding on people. Needless to say, it was a relief to ditch the sweaty dancing strangers and overpriced drinks for the comfort of my own bedroom and the company of people who actually like me (you all actually like me, right Henchmen? or do you just serve me? Or were you just there for the nudity? hmmm). At least for the last two years the only creep grazing my butt* was me! Honestly, it’s more fun for me that way. And I am sad I will not be online tonight to celebrate with everyone who decided to stay home and jerk it. That is definitely the smartest move and most satisfying way to spend the night, trust me.
*I probably want to get into more than just grazing my butt in 2020, stay tuned. Your Overlord’s anal virginity’s days are numbered.
Anyway, this is my unofficial anthem for this New Year’s Eve:
There is, however, something Your Overlord does appreciate about this time of year and that is setting New Year’s Resolutions. No, no, none of that “New Year, New Me!” crap. By New Year’s Resolutions I simply mean setting goals that will make us EVEN MORE EVIL THAN WE ALREADY ARE. Don’t worry, I’ll show you the way.
So without further ado, allow me to present,
Your Overlord’s Totally Realistic Resolutions for 2020™:
• To completely take over the world (Duh. But preferably with ease?)
• To build a moat around the new evil castle and populate it with lazersharks…or lazergatorz? Or maybe both?! I don’t know. We mostly have beavers up here so…
• To put at least 6 people in a half nelson
• To put at least 66 people in a full nelson (and I don’t really care who they are, so watch yourselves. Mwahahahaha. But preferably ‘really hot girls while mudwrestling’ or something. That would be ideal for me!)
• To make #awkwarderotica an actual (and perhaps popular?) porn niche
• To make #awkwarderotica the sexiest porn niche. Suggestions?
• To watch my Bangbus episodes all the way through (no more missing the cumshot goddammit!)
• To perfect my Bob and Doug Mckenzie routine (know any funny lady canucks or cute hosers? Whether they have experience roleplaying as Bob or as Doug is irrelevant as I am very adaptable and can do both brothers.)
• To diversify my acting repertoire by adding new animal impressions
• To diversify my orgasm portfolio with crazier toys (because I am bored of the toys I have now)
• To set fire to every single pickup truck, forcing the inevitable uprising of the electric truck (vroom vroom!)
• To set fire to more things in general. Let’s make 2020 the year of pyromaniacs?! Okay?! (no harming anyone though, please!)
• To crossbreed a moose and a beaver to create a new Canadian super animal known as the MOOVER (Spoiler-alert for Your Overlord’s Totally Realistic Resolutions for 2021™: train the MOOVERS so we can ride them into battle!)
• To eat a poutine for breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day for a month while filming it. I would call the series “Supersized Eh” (an excellent sponsorship opportunity if you want to cover the costs of such a diet!)
• To eat more pussy (look, I have a hard time picking up sexy ladies so I don’t get the opportunity to eat as much pussy as I would like. It’s pretty fucking bullshit!)
• To make smarter whiskey choices. Enough with novelties (the Trailer Park Boys’ Whiskey Travesty of 2019 will never happen again, I promise!)
• To be less pretentious. LOL, just kidding. Never, losers!
• To taste the salt of the earth everyone is always on about
• To employ a team of writers and force them to make content about Total Divas
• To employ a team of writers and force them to write me better jokes than the ones I’m writing now.
• To make sexy, high quality cosplays- actually, this one is very serious. Suggestions?
• To make sexy, high quality photoshoots- actually, this one is very serious too. Suggestions?
I don’t think so but did I miss anything? Please send me an email with any evil New Year’s Resolutions that may have been overlooked and if I agree I’ll add them to the next newsletter so DO NOT DISAPPOINT ME, HENCHMEN. Especially if you want to live to see 2021. Mwahahaha.
Moving On…What Else Is New?
The days between Christmas and New Year’s Eve are what I like to call the inbetweener days or the ‘tweens’ of the year, if you will. It is an awkward time filled with much uncertainty (just like your tween years!). Is it still technically Christmas time? Is everything included under the umbrella of “the holidays”? Are you obligated to be fake-nice to family still? Is food still free and plentiful if not bland and boring? Is sleeping until the afternoon or drinking before breakfast still cool? Do I have to answer the phone still for people I do not really want to talk to? Can I safely buy things again? Can I revert to my natural clothing choices? Is the mall still overcrowded? IT IS PURE CHAOS. What do you do? Take down the Christmas tree? Spend MORE time with family? This year, the agenda appears to be: watching a Big Bang Theory Marathon while crushing leftover turkey and mashed potatoes. Obviously, Your Overlord has reduced access to the remote control (because apparently no one wants to watch the WWE holiday specials with me, wtf!?). To be honest, I haven’t watched this much Big Bang Theory since… ever. But seeing as I’ve had waaay too much time lately to consider the minute details of the show, I must share my thoughts with someone. Sorry in advance, Henchmen.
First and foremost, I’m not totally sure anyone actually likes The Big Bang Theory (BBT) anymore; it definitely ran its course and then some. Like TWELVE seasons AND a spinoff? That is an exceptionally long run for a sitcom. Abed from Community said it best: six seasons and a movie. That’s all you should really want from a show. Six seasons should be enough for a good writing team to tie up any storylines and a movie is fine, if only to hold the fans by their nostalgic balls for a final cash grab on those royalties. Perfect. Anything longer than that and shit starts to go off the rails. After a certain point, what is even left for the characters to do besides lose themselves or evolve too unrealistically in favour of advancing shitty plotlines. Sheldon getting married is the prime example of this. Just think about it for a second- Sheldon (I repeat, SHELDON!) married someone. How on earth did he consummate his marriage when he could barely shake hands with anyone in the first season for fear of germs? Maybe don’t think about that one for too long. LOL.
I used to really like the show when it first started and I can definitely appreciate the fact that it popularized nerd culture. I would fuck the shit out of a lot of nerds, myself. Glad they made it into the spotlight for once! Ultimately though, how many situations can you watch a group of nerds struggle through before it gets boring? I can tell you- the novelty wears off at about 101 nerd problems. And we arrived there on the 28th. So the last couple days of the marathon have allowed me to focus on other, much more important aspects of the show. Namely, ranking the characters based on their attractiveness as a significant other (so not just hotness but personality, too. I know, so wholesome).
Vesper’s Official BBT Wifey Power Rankings:
1. Bernadette
2. Howard’s mother
3. Penny
4. Priya
5. Raj (yeah- he’d probably let me call him my wife. Plus, Raj is definitely the cutest nerd boy on the show.)
6. Amy
7. Leslie Winkle
In my opinion, those are the only memorable women from Big Bang Theory. Maybe Howard’s Mother should be number one? We never really saw her so for all we know she could have been hotter than Scarlett Johansson (but probably not as hot as Your Overlord). In which case, I would feel dumb for not putting her first but either way she makes them snacks on more than one occasion so she must be at least number two. Not that I need to justify it but Bernadette takes number one over Penny, duh. While Penny is obviously hot AF, there’s something very hot about Bernadette, her squeaky voice, and her enormous breas-I mean… glasses. Hehe. So I like nerd girls, whatever. SHUT IT DORKS. And I am not going to bother submitting my ‘BBT Husband Power Rankings’ because I have already spent too much time thinking about this show lately and I won’t be wasting anymore time ranking its characters.
So why did I just waste that much of our time talking about Big Bang Theory? As I said before: anything can happen during the holiday ‘tween days BECAUSE IT IS A PERIOD OF PURE CHAOS. Stay alert Henchmen, keep the remote control close by or the Big Bang Marathon might be coming for you! I also heard you can die of boredom during this period if you’re not careful. The choice is mostly yours, really. I miss the Bangbus. Mwhahaha.
And I guess that reminds me that I’d much rather be having another kind of Big Bang marathon, if you know what I mean... Maybe next year we can spend the holiday ‘tweens online together making our own marathon? UHUMMMM. Whatever that means, right?! ;) Mwahahahaha. Okay, that does sound a bit silly. I just miss you all so much! I guess I should just go take some nudes in the mirror and make an OnlyFans account. Your Overlord has needs.
And with that…
Goodbye 2019!
I still kind of feel bad about reminding you of all the songs from 2009 that you wish you could forget so I’m signing off with a good song from 2009 by one of my favourite bands of all time:
But yeah- until next time*, Henchmen!