Timmies Donuts, Ranked (The Rest)

Your Overlord sat down with a box of Canada’s finest doughnuts and handed down some official rankings.. these ones were not the best!

Salutations Henchmen,

BIG NEWS has broken in the Great White North recently, guys. No, I’m not talking about the embarrassment of the Toronto Maple Leafs losing to a 40-something Zamboni driver filling in as an emergency goalie, even though that’s VERY newsworthy and DEFINITELY hilarious as fuck!* As the title of this newsletter would suggest, I’m talking about news from another Canadian franchise: the coffee and donut juggernaut known as Tim Horton’s. They recently released a new trio of donuts called “dream donuts” and that provides the perfect excuse for me to do something I’ve always wanted to do: eat a shit-load of donuts under the guise of ranking them! Mwahahaha. Just humour me, please. Play along like you really needed this official ranking of Timmies donuts, alright! Who knows, one day you might end up stranded in Canada with a loonie in your pocket and you’ll know exactly which donut to spend it on, thanks to this list (actually, a donut might be closer to $1.15 now…goddamn inflation!). But at very least, you’ll be able to seamlessly integrate into Canadian society after reading this. So it’s quite a beneficial list, actually! You’re welcome!

*LMAO. SUCK IT LEAFS FANS!!!! It’s alright, your reputation hasn’t really been damaged all that much, considering you already cheer for a team that refers to themselves as leafs…when we all know it should be leaves. If they can’t even get their grammar right then we can’t really expect them to get their offence right, can we? I’m not surprised they lost.

I’ve got the Gord Downie cranked and I probably don’t have long before I fall into a deep sugar-induced coma from all the donuts I just tried… so without further ado, I proudly present to you:

Vesper Vee’s Official Timmies’ Donut Rankings™

The following donuts are ranked from ‘worst’ to ‘best’ using ridiculous criteria that are only applicable to your Overlord’s palette but nevertheless it is obviously THE OFFICIAL donut ranking, THE BEST donut ranking, and THE ONLY donut ranking that matters. Duh. The placement of each donut in the ranking has been carefully thought out and I was also careful to cleanse my palette with almond milk between each donut tasting to preserve the integrity of the rankings. Thus, the rankings are absolutely correct and non-negotiable. If you don’t agree, you’re wrong. That’s that.

19th: The Old Fashion Plain Donut. Did you really expect any other donut but this one to end up last? Plain is literally in the title and that obviously leaves much to be desired. I heard from a friend who used to work at Timmies that this is the donut people would order for their dogs. Sounds about right.  

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18th: The Vanilla Dip (Sprinkle) Donut. This donut is for kids. Actually, for kids who have no taste. The sprinkles are hard and taste like chemicals. Rock-hard pebbles on a soft doughy donut are two textures that don’t add up.

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17: The Chocolate Dip Crueller. I actually love honey cruellers (as you’ll see later on in this list) so I was really excited when I saw this one. Honey crueller + chocolate? What could go wrong, right?! I didn’t even know this donut existed but it ended up so low on in the rankings because of the sheer disappointment I felt when I bit into it. Instead of the buttery, sweet honey crueller taste with the added bonus of chocolate that I was expecting, THERE WAS NO HONEY CRUELLER TASTE! It wasn’t glazed. It was a dry, plain crueller shaped-donut with a bit of hardened chocolate glaze on the top. My hopes were so high, which made it an even bigger let down. It could’ve been ranked so high! My Timmies sources tell me this donut is “not normally a thing” so maybe it was a baker’s mistake or something? MEH, AVOID THE NOVELTY!

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16: The Double Chocolate Donut. I’ve never really liked this one. It’s incredibly dry. I find Timmies’ chocolate flavouring a bit strange to begin with (you’ll notice none of the chocolate ones made it that high on the list) so doubling it up is just adding meh to more meh.

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15: The Cinnamon Sugar Donut. A small step up from the Old Fashion Plain but somehow it’s world’s better. There’s a nice spicing throughout the dough and on top. It’s still very doughy and dry though.

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14: The Chocolate Truffle Dream Donut. This was the first of the new ‘Dream Donuts’ that I tried out and it was definitely the worst of them! They crammed on so much chocolate to the point where the donut was no longer structurally sound (it fell apart in my hands). It was not so much of a chocolate dream as a chocolate nightmare…one in which I was suffocated by three different textures of sickly sweet chocolate, aaaaahhhh!

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13: The Strawberry Confetti Dream Donut. I’m starting to think ‘dream’ in Timmies jargon means ‘sweet to the extreme’? This one looks like it fell out of a Disney Princess cartoon…the kind of donut true a villainess would make in order to give to everyone in the kingdom the precious gift of diabetes! Diabolical! It had a dollop of icing on top that tasted like the top of a Walmart cupcake. Otherwise, it might have been a mediocre (fake) strawberry flavoured donut (if anyone is into that). And glitter sprinkles should be considered a crime against pastries.

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12: The Chocolate Dip Donut. Not much to say about this sticky classic. The weakest of the Dip Donuts probably.

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11: The Boston Cream Donut. A step above the Chocolate Dip because of its Venetian cream centre. But it’s just such a heavy, ooey-gooey, sticky mess. There may or may not be some lewd footage of your Overlord making a sticky mess of herself with this one heading towards my OnlyFans. Who knows? MWHAHAHA!

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So, I guess we have pretty much identified the worst donuts a.k.a the bottom tier of sugary goodness. If you saw your favourite donut on this part of the list then I am not sure I trust your overall sense of taste. Your saving grace is that you’re subscribed to my newsletter so you obviously have good taste in women. At least you’ve got that going for you.

Which donuts will make the top ten?! Stay tuned, part two of Vesper Vee’s Official Timmies’ Donut Rankings™ is coming your way next Monday!