Women Crush Wednesday
The Cutest Canadian
Salutations, Henchmen!
Well, seeing as it’s now mid-way through October, I suppose I can officially acknowledge “spooky season”. I refuse to allow the entire month of October to become some kind of cathartic outlet for our culture’s not-so-secret obsession with the macabre. If we don’t start capping this madness at half a month, it won’t be long before the entire season of autumn becomes spookified. Why do I have a problem with this? First of all, I’m an evil Overlord. Every season is spooky season for me. It’s not a season, it’s a lifestyle. Secondly, if you’re sincerely evil (like yours truly), then you don’t need an arbitrary, commercialized “holiday”* to signal when it’s acceptable to celebrate darkness and malevolence. You’ll do it whenever the fuck you feel like it (preferably from the top of the tallest tower of your evil lair as lightning strikes and hoards of your henchmen kneel before you, of course).
*If you can even call it that…get back to me when Halloween becomes a statutory holiday and then it may get an ounce of my respect. “Dress-up Day for Adults” is probably a more appropriate title…
Anyway, the one upside of “spooky season” is that horror movies become more accessible than ever. Last night I decided to treat myself to a guilty pleasure not just in bad horror movies but in early-aughts nostalgia, too. It was there, amongst the cheesy, clichéd simplicity of the 2005 summer hit, House of Wax, where I came face to face with a perfect Woman Crush for us this week. No, I’m not talking about Paris Hilton (please, you should know by now that I have standards for my Women Crushes). I’m talking about none other than the Canadian bombshell Elisha Cuthbert.
Upon seeing her in all of her early 2000’s glory, clad in a tight white tank top, at the peak of her hot-girl popularity, I was reminded of everything that makes her so crushable. You know, besides the cute combination of endearing bum-chin, round face, button nose and clear blue eyes that make you want to both cuddle her and fuck her simultaneously. Hehe. For starters, she broke into acting on two Canadian children’s shows, Are you afraid of the Dark? and Popular Mechanics for Kids, the latter of which your Overlord was a huge fan. So, her origins are rooted in both horror and nerdiness. A perfect foundation for a crush if you ask me. From there, she grew into the embodiment of the girl next door…seriously; she was literally cast as the titular role in The Girl Next Door (2004).
If The Girl Next Door didn’t already prove that our Canadian cutie had comedic chops, then her role as Alex Kerkovich in one of my favourite sitcoms, Happy Endings, seals the deal. You can just tell she’s got a fucked up sense of humour…who doesn’t love that, eh?
The cherry on top of this week’s Woman Crush? Her true Canadian-ness is manifested in her love of the good ol’ hockey game! She’s married to defensive legend Dion Phaneuf. If she’s good enough for him, she’s definitely enough for us. Normally, I’m not too fond of anything that can be described as “cute”. Buuuut I’m happy to make an exception when the package is this hilarious, charming, talented, nerdy and Canadian. EH! Follow her Instagram (@elishaphaneuf) and Twitter (@happyelishas) to keep up with her latest projects.
Until next time, Henchmen! Stay safe, stay evil and WASH YOUR HANDS!! FOR 20 SECONDS!!
